Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
