Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize