I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
