She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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