I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
i need some magic done to my vagina
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
