Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
