I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
