I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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