if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
