If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
