I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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