I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
