Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
operation have a gay friend backfired
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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