Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
