Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
