I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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