I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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