when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
