remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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