he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
