i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
