my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
