My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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