If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
operation harelip BJ is a go
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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