dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
