I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
