Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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