I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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