I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
