Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
