I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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