I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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