Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
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