They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You ruined the universe
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
