I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
