I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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