Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
