he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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