Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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