my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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