there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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