I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
