My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
