I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
