the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
