my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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