just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize