i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
