i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
