Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Drake has all the answers
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
