dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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