And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
