Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
