dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
